I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.