I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
🤭😂
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain