“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
when nothing goes right… go left
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?