What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.