The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
is this store having a stroke wtf
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes