Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.