If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.