if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret