I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?