I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You Might Also Like
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
starting a garage orchestra
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.