The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects