[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You Might Also Like
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2