my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.