“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Tuesday
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I drew y’all a little something.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period