me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?