John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk