She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
This is sending me to another galaxy
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g