My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.