Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
dads on road-trips be like
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.