Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
shut up and take my money
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Every time my phone rings
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.