FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Ugh
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!