I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
This rocks
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Cashiers are always checking me out
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.