Awwwww shit.
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Got ya covered
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.