Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
pep talk
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?