It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts