When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.