So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.