What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i choose….tongue
smh
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop