I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.