Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
🌱🌱🌱
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”