Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Herpes is trending, good job people
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh