Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
⛄️
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
New comic up. “Ransom”