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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Salad is the decaf of food.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.