Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A French press is when you hug naked
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
thank god
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*