My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Sign of the day..
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.