Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
R.I.P.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero