WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I wish this was real life…
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family