🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Never let them know your next move 😂
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
good work, detective
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport