my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
…żyje?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again