me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
So glad we cleared that up
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*