ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
October already? What’s next? November????
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder