If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.