The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
You Might Also Like
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.