Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Don’t forget to tip your server
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
hi why am I like this
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.