family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Mhm.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.