Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that