coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.