Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.