I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”