You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”